Friday, July 28, 2017 This Week's Paper

Barack Ozomba? Honey Boo Boo? There’s plenty to be afraid of this Halloween

So you are hitting up a few Halloween pre-funk parties this weekend but cannot think of a good get-up. And you do not want to be lame and just pick something at the costume megastore.
No worries. Here are five topical, last minute costume ideas, along with tips on standing out among like-minded trick-or-treaters.


Don't pretend you are not obsessed with South Korea's No. 1 rap export. “Gangnam Style” and scenes from that crazy viral video are now hopelessly stuck in your head. You are welcome.
Especially good if you are: a stocky Asian dude with swagger to spare. How to pull it off: Psy can easily be done with a thrift store tux, preferably with black or powder blue jacket. But you can stand out from a dozen other guys with the same idea by going with the alternate frilly shirt and khaki shorts look from the video. Either way, practice that so-bad-it-is-good horsey dance so you can annoy people with it all night long.
Key accessory: Don't forget your “stunna” shades.

Honey Boo Boo

Because we need more reminders of the impending demise of Western Civilization. Especially good if you are: a white female, blonde and a little on the zaftig side. How to pull it off: Nothing highlights the creepiness of kid pageants and the utter wrongness of TLC's hit series than that way too sexy for a 6-year-old cowgirl look little Ms. Boo Boo sported in one episode. Get your hat, boots and daisy dukes. Then cut a checkered blouse in half to expose your midriff, which you will poke and jiggle all evening. Practice pageant poses, a Southern accent and drink, like, 47 Red Bulls before you go out. Key accessory: Melt down two ice cream scoops of butter, blend with ketchup and pour into a Mason jar labeled “sketti sauce.” Sip occasionally for shock value. Warning: side effect may include vomiting and instantly developing Type 2 diabetes.

Barack Ozomba

Any chump can buy a rubber Obama or Romney mask. Try this or the next idea to a put fresh twist on a stale election year idea.
Especially good if you are: A skinny black guy with big ears. How to pull it off: Go thrifting for a dark suit you can rip up a bit. You know, since Air Force One went down in the Zombie Apocalypse. Apply undead makeup and zombify Obama catch phrases, i.e. “Let me be clear – braaaaaaaiins.” Key accessory: A Portuguese water dog with a “Zom-Bo” sign taped to it. (Bet you thought we were going to say birth certificate. But we do not want to encourage Donald Trump.)

Mitt R-Money

'Cause nobody stacks paper like the Rominator, son! Especially good if you are: A middle-aged to elderly white guy who resembles Jon Hamm's uptight uncle. How to pull it off: This Mitt Romney riff is inspired by a meme we have seen on the ol' Internet machine of late. The concept: Romney as rapper, which basically involves a dark suit with a “grill” and a pimp cup. But only fill the latter with milk. Even gangsta Mitt doesn't partake of Cristal.
Key accessory: Duh! A bulging binder labeled “W.” Speaking of which …

Binder full of women.

There has been a buzz about turning this Romney gaffe into a Halloween concept since the second presidential debate. Helps to be: A woman-type person. Or a dude who can pull off drag. How to pull it off: Pick up some foam board and duct tape at your crafts store of choice to build the cover. Use metal shower curtain rings for the binder hoops and punch an arm hole for whichever shoulder will be holding the time up. Label “women.” Key accessory: Extra pages can be made from poster board, covered in images of other women folk.